Fascination with Toothpicks

I have no idea why, but I love toothpicks.

I always have one on hand, keep several in my purse and even keep one handy in my wallet.

Whenever I leave a restaurant I search the host stand in search of that little dispenser of wooden bliss and grab several, not knowing when the next time I'll go out to eat again.

I find them at the bottom of all my purses. I find them in the back of jean pockets. There are usually a few in the drink holder in my car. A few can always be found in a cup I keep at my office that has straws, salt and pepper packets, and napkins. My bathroom cabinet has a stack right now along with a few hanging out on the dresser drawers in my room.

Why?

I recently went to Little Rock, Arkansas to visit my mom for a brief stay. When leaving a Mexican restaurant with my mom and step-dad, they both reached for the container at the front entry while leaving as well. The three of us walked out, belly's full of chips, salsa, and beer and our mouths chomping on toothpicks. Is this something I will pass on to my children someday?

Sitting at my desk the other day at work I realized that I had a toothpick in my mouth for roughly two hours after lunch. Two hours?!

Is it an oral fixation or a fixation to keep my teeth free from build-up? I must admit that I don't like to floss. I do, but using a toothpick just has a more relaxed feel to oral hygiene. And using at least one toothpick a day, doesn't that make up for the less than eager approach to flossing?

So if you're ever in a restaurant and you see a blonde, 5' 2" girl with glasses on reach for a toothpick on her way out the door, come say hi. It's definitely me.

Facts about toothpicks:
Maine is the leading manufacturer for toothpicks in the US.
Brazil is the leading overall manufacturer of toothpicks for the world.
Toothpicks are the oldest form of dental cleaning.
Toothpicks made of bronze have been found as burial objects in prehistoric graves in Northern Italy and in the East Alps.
In the 17th century toothpicks were luxury objects similar to jewellery items.
The first toothpick-manufacturing machine was developed in 1869, by Charles Forster.

The Chains that Bind Us

Like this little bunny (photo by Russell Lindsay) I have been an innocent little creature, trapped in a situation that has been pulling me in all directions.

Addiction to caffeine.

Red bulls, Rockstars, Diet Coke (my favorite), the occasional Diet Dr. Pepper (it's sweeter and has an after-taste that's delightful), Starbucks, the better quality and less commercialized Coffee Bean, diner coffee sweetened with honey. Oh, my. This list is getting ridiculous!

So as of yesterday, November 17th at 12:47pm I changed my status update on Facebook to say "Is considering doing what Chris has decided to do and give up Diet Coke... considering." About 10 minutes before I had poured the last of my now room temperature soda down my throat and chunked the can in the recycling bin around the corner from my cubicle.

Had I known that the last gulp of DC was really going to be my last, I would have relished in the moment a little more.

But now that I think of it, cold turkey has always worked best for me in these situations. If I think too long on something or worry about, okay, when is that last XYZ going to take place, then I can figure out a way to procrastinate.

I gave up caffeine all-together when I was a senior in high school. I didn't have but maybe 10 or so caffeine enhanced drinks in approximately 8 years. But then I overheard someone say, "oh, caffeine isn't really that bad for you." Then another person said, "well, I just have one soda a day, that's not going to do any harm." And yet one more devil on my shoulder said, "Caffeine is actually good for you. It makes you aware and stimulates your brain." So I succumbed. I slowly stepped back into that pond of fake sugar and hyperactive liquid.

But before I knew it I was doing the freestyle stroke across the waters of caffeine bliss.

And now no more.

I've been trying to cut out the fake sugars anyway. But it doesn't help to have three or sometimes four sodas a day. So I'm breaking the chains and letting go of the soda. I'm going to cut back the caffeine, instead relying on some satisfying iced tea or hot green tea.

We'll see how this goes. I'm pretty sure I can do it.

I'll keep you updated though...

I want to do this... so bad...

Does that make me crazy?!

This was a lovely advertisement I walked past, stopped, looked back and smiled at when I was aimlessly walking the terminal of the Las Vegas airport on my recent four-hour layover. I just had to take a picture. Seriously!? You can do this? I am tempted to put the number in my phone so that one day when I make the first of many big deals that will bring lots and lots of cash my way (or when I win the lottery) I can have something to do right away that is over the top.

Wouldn't it be awesome if say an old friend called to chat and catch up.

Friend: "Rachel, how are you? Whatcha' do today?"
Me: "I rented a helicoptor, flew to Las Vegas and shot machine guns all day while wearing black army cargo pants, a tight fitting tank top and a smile from ear to ear."
Friend: "Wow, Rach. That's probably the coolest thing I've heard of anyone doing."
Me: "I know. I'm pretty cool."

Seeing this ad made me wonder if the girl in the photo got to shoot the machine gun in order to put that winning smile on her face. And I bet there is another, racier version of this ad somewhere in the back of a nudie magazine with her holding the gun topless while straddling a shot-up target picture of Osama Bin Laden.

I was curious to find out more so I went to their website. Apparently I'm not the only curious one. They've had over 1 million visitors to their site. It also seems that they gear a lot of their store to women. With a ladies day on Tuesday (the $10 range fee is waived) and special ladies packages that include a tank-top (like the one in the ad!), and another special for bachelorette parties.

I think I'm going to have to stop by on my next trip to the Vegas strip!

What is a "Titty Catcher?"

Let me explain. I made one of these last week and a friend didn't believe me when I said it was a "Titty Catcher."

"A what? No. That's not what it is. Uh-huh, no," she said dramatically.

"Yes, it is! I've been calling it that since fourth grade," I said, assured of myself.

It's not like when I was in fourth grade calling this a "Titty Catcher" meant I was trying to be dirty. It just sounded catchy and to me, it's a good name for it. And it actually is the best name for it because it is so weird.

Another friend commented and said that they call it a "Fortune Teller." But my argument is that you didn't just use it to tell fortunes. You used it to pick out who has a crush on you, tell a dirty joke, pick a favorite color, etc. It wasn't just to see what was going to happen next in a fourth grader's world.

So, again, and I say this with pride and not prejudice - I will forever call it a "Titty Catcher." My children and my children's children will call it this and carry on the name forever in time. Thousands and thousands of years from now I will have the distinct priveledge of knowing that I am the reason this name has stuck around to cause confusion, uncomfortable laughter and debate.

Nuff' said.

5K Run

I have never been a runner. I know my svelte body would make you say, "What? No way! You look like you were built to be a runner!" Well, thank you for your kindness, but trust me... I am no runner.

The thought of running a mile flat out only comes to mind if I'm having a dream of being chased by zombies (is it weird that I have dreams ALL the time that the world is full of zombies) and only then I'd run until I could get to a rooftop and shoot the heck out of their flesh eating asses.

But I'm saying it here. I'd like to do a mile in 9 minutes. I know some of you think that's kind of slow, but hey! I am 5' 2" - I have to take more steps to go a mile than you do! Okay, that's the excuse I've made for myself all my life, which is probably why I have never been a runner to begin with. Alas, no more. I want to be able to run the 5K flat out. That's 3.1 miles - something I never, ever in my wildest dreams thought I would want to do.

The energy we felt when we were standing in the crowd, waiting for the clock to strike midnight was amazing. It was if I could feel everyone's hearts beating faster. A DJ was playing and the majority of the crowd was dancing and getting into it. Now, I am not a dancer either. But I like to dance. In fact it's something I get great joy out of. I'm a goofy dancer. I dance like no one is watching me, but I know they are which makes me dance more - bigger, wilder, funnier, and well, goofier. And while we waited I danced for approximately 42 minutes of the hour we had to wait.

I would not recommend this before running a 5K. By the time the race started, I was beat to the street! But excited and ready to challenge myself nonetheless.

And I did it. And it was great. And that last turn to the finish line was like there was a gospel choir singing out to me as I crossed the marker. They had flood lights and photographers and a crowd of onlookers and I just really can't wait to do it again.

Now - a full marathon? Yes, I think that's now on the bucket list. I will complete a full marathon before I die.

You heard it here...

Picture above is of Venus, my best friend and myself. This is before the race and after dancing 42 minutes. I think I look like I already ran it:)

Why Marinate is My Favorite Word...

Mar⋅i⋅nate - [mar-uh-neyt] - verb (used with object), -nat⋅ed, -nat⋅ing.
To steep (food) in a marinade.

Origin:
1635–45; prob. < It marinato, ptp. of marinare to pickle.

I like to use the word marinate to say I'm thinking deeply, relishing in, or trying to make a decision about something. This is not an original thought I came up with all by my lonesome. I heard it from the delightful, 2001 movie KISSING JESSICA STEIN. Helen, one of the lead characters uses it to tell Jessica that she doesn't have to make a decision just yet, she just has to "let it marinate for a while."

Ever since I heard it - "marinate" has been my favorite word. You know like at a dinner party where everyone has to come up with a question so those who don't know you very well can get to know you better -- that's my answer for what's your favorite word.

I like it because it's simple. Because it doesn't sound like a medical term or a sexually tranmitted disease or a place in Czechoslovakia.

And in the context I use it in, it doesn't make sense to people so they question it, which in a way makes me feel smart or clever... but I'm not people. It's in a movie for goodness sake.

Some ways you too can use the word marinate:
"Hey what are you doing tonight?"
"Oh, I don't know. I'm marinating on it. Let me get back to you."

"Have you finished that report?"
"No, it's still marinating in my brain."

"Do you want to have sex?"
"There is no way I'd let you marinate in me."

Okay that last one was pretty good, right?!

Now go marinate about the ones you care about and love. Think about them and make sure they know you are blessed to have them in your life.

Afterall, we won't marinate in this world for long.

"The unexamined life is not worth living." - Socrates

Ferris Wheel

THE FERRIS WHEEL
by:
Rachel McClard

The Ferris Wheel stood out in the middle of an overgrown field with a picket fence holding it in and white dandelions interspersed through the sea of green. Thick, enboldened weeds reached up from the ground and took hold of it, mixing in with the rust, paint, wooden seats and metal hinges held together desperately by loose, old and tired bolts.

Originally called the Chicago Wheel, the first such ride was created for the 1893 World's Columbian Exposition in Chicago. Later all structures like the Chicago Wheel would be called "Ferris Wheel's" based on the designer, George Washington Gale Ferris, Jr.

The Wheel in the abandoned farmland looks out on the world from atop a broken dream. It was created for fun, amusement, children to laugh, kisses to be made, hands to hold, hearts to lift and stomachs to fall. Now the majority of the ride can't even move, its wings held down and legs buried within the land of the forgotten. Three of the carts at the top have not been reached by the hungry leaves and vines that slowly make their way upwards, reaching for the sky - trying to defy all that is known of gravity.

Those three carts await the day when they will not be able to feel the wind on their face. When they will be paralyzed, the sun beams no longer warming their hearts.

But not today. Today the moon went down and the sun came up and they awoke to those rays bursting through their metal apendages like a beacon in the cold and mist filled night. A hope of what will come today. What will?

Today they will not look to tomorrow when they will no longer enjoy the sights, hear the birds, breathe freely.

Yesterday was good. Today better. Tomorrow is tomorrow and we know not what that will be.

They speak to each other freely.
Cart #1 "Enjoy it."
Cart #2 "Thank you. I will."
Cart #3 "The air is good up here."

THE END.

Amazonian Guard...

It was brought to my attention that Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi1, also known as Colonel Gaddafi (the de facto leader of Libya since 1969), has an army of personal bodyguards - comprised of only women.

Most sources say that he has 40 personal female guards (some other sources say he might have +200). They are all trained in martial arts, supposed to be virgins, could kill you in an instant, and some could be models.

Why has Hollywood not tapped into this story yet?

I can already see the poster -- a blue-eyed, olive skinned woman holding the knife to the throat of assailant, Gaddafi in the background scratching his beard and eyeing her affectionately.

TITLE: The General's Bodyguard
TAGLINE: Never let him out of your sight. Never let your guard down. Never fall in love.

Okay, so that might be the exact same tag as The Bodyguard with Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston, but makes sense to me... Hmmm, maybe this will be the next script I work on ;~)

March 20th, National Steak and BJ Day

I heard something pretty funny.

There's a National holiday that guys want for themselves - National Steak and BJ Day. Guys apparently want this day as their own little "Valentine's Day." I might be mistaken, but isn't Valentine's Day a holiday that both men and women share?

I know, I know - that's a crazy notion. Yes, typically, girls like to be wined and dined and given a little bit of romance. And it's no secret that most guys would like to do the least amount of this they possibly can. But really? You think you're so mistreated that you want your own holiday so you can eat steak and your lady has to... you know, wet your whistle?

Here's what I think:
A) Forget your special holiday. It's sexist and a ridiculous thought.

B) Here's some advice - if you (not ALL of you need to know this, but MOST of you do) want some beef and a little organ playing any night of the week. Do the following. Pick up a couple steaks (or a steak for yourself and something you know your lady will like) on the way home from work. Get home before your lady does. Grill the steak. Place steaks on plates and set table. Pour two glasses of wine. Place flower in vase on table (note: does not have to be a dozen roses or a $100 bouquet). You can add to this by playing music, lighting candles, grabbing a pint of her favorite Ben and Jerry's flavor, etc. But really, just dinner and conversation, simple and sweet.
This shows that you care, you want to treat her, and you are probably looking for some action - but guess what? If you do this without us prodding you to do so - you are set!
C) Here's a broader question - should Valentine's Day really be a holiday in the first place? At this point, it has become so commercialized and no one really can tell you why it's a holiday to begin with. The fact is that two priests named Valentine became martyers and the Catholic church decided to give them a day to honor them. They had nothing to do with romantics at all. Geoffrey Chaucer mentioned in a poem called "Parlement of Foules" and spoke of St. Valentine's Day and it was the day where men choose their mates. The poem was to honor the engagement of a king (who was only 13 at the time).
So what I'm trying to say is that this random holiday that no one really knows what it means or why it was started is given so much pressure and stature every year. It drives single people crazy and makes us feel alone and unloved. It makes women hound their men into going over the top and if they don't, self-consciously makes them think they are unloved. Which in turn makes men crazy because they are pressured by women to do something grand.

In the end, whether on Valentine's Day or Steak and BJ Day - it doesn't matter. Every day is a special day and we don't need a holiday to tell the ones we care about that we love them.

What I Found Cleaning Out My Purse This Morning

1) 34 pieces of Orbitz gum. This is the kind that's unwrapped in the big, 100 pack plastic bottle. Um, WTF. The top was on and closed, why was 1/3 of the bottle dumped out? I then opened the bottle to see how many pieces were left and it was as if the entire bottle had been open at one point and about 53 pieces had snuck their way back into the container. I ended up throwing it out in frustration. I'm sticking to the wrapped gum from now on.

2) Gum wrappers. In addition to the 34 loose pieces of gum floating around my purse, a handful of gum wrappers. Wow, I like gum.

3) A tampon, smashed and also out of its wrapper and the cotton was out of its container. But I couldn't find the wrapper. Weird. Don't think I'll be ramming that in my hoo-ha. Or should I keep it around in case I need a back up to my back up? Hmmm.

4) Two-inch by two-inch piece of glass. Hi, where the hell did that come from?

5) 3 folded and shoved together maps printed from Mapquest. One was dated April 12, 2008.

6) A half-dollar and 12 pennies. I love when my wallet opens on its own. Who gave me a 1/2 dollar?!

7) 2 halls cough drops (cherry). I could've used those earlier this week.

8) 8, plastic wrapped toothpicks. I am a toothpick whore.

9) A stack of receipts and bank withdrawal slips. Hehe, I used the word withdrawal.

10) 3 pens - none of which work. I'm a writer, but apparently don't know how to keep a writing utensil around me at all times. I do always keep a notebook with me, but alas, no pen to write with. This was especially difficult when I went to the bank a couple weeks ago and used the drive-up ATM - people were not happy with my as I proceeded to take out all my pens and try to make them work. I actually sucked on one. That's tragic.

Ok, so I'm not exaclty the neatest person in the world. But if I was trapped in an elevator, I could definitely chew the gum, string these items together and use it as a rope to scale down the elevator shaft.

Call me Mrs. McGyver.

Top 10 TV Shows for 2008

#1 Mad men - The detail in this show knocks me head over heels every time I watch it. The acting is superb. Every moment is cherished by the characters and writers and it comes through the screen and into my living room.

#2 Dexter - Sick and in your face yet sometimes light-hearted. You can tell the actors eat-up every scene they are given and love to do what they do. Yet, they don't take themselves too seriously - and on a show like this, you would go crazy with all the wild and twisted stuff that happens. Each episode makes me wonder what they will come up with next and I'm always eager to watch the next episode.

#3 Damages - Having just watched the season 2 opener I felt like the wind was knocked out of me at how brilliant and nasty this show is. Not nasty, dirty. Nasty, mean. And sometimes I love to be mean (well, not really, but watching other people be mean feels pretty darn good).

#4 30 Rock - Liz Lemon, you are a dork. Much like me. 30 Rock, you rock. Much like me. Enough said about the show that keeps getting better and better.

#5 Lost - Have people given up on this show? I sure haven't. Especially after the mind-F it gave me last season. Cannot wait for what is next. The season premiere can't come soon enough. And might I just add - the fact they actually put an end date on the show tells me that the creators really just want to make a good show. It freed them up to do whatever they wanted, but creatively and thoughtfully. Not - oh, let's stretch this out for years and years to come just because there are enough dupes to keep watching (I'm talking about you ER).

#6 Pushing Daisies (you will be missed) - Excuse me while I wipe away the tears while writing this. I felt like I just got to know you and now you're going away...forever? WTF? Give shows a chance! I know that shows make money off of advertising and that to get advertisers to pay money, there needs to be an audience. Pushing Daisies had an audience. People loved the imaginative, colorful, quick-witted show and weren't ready to see it go. Maybe you didn't have 18 million viewers. But the ones you DID have watched every week and were praising you to all our friends.

#7 The Office - You would think that this show would get boring. 85% of the show is in the office are in the building around it. But I still find it so intriguing. Maybe because I too work in an office and (although not to the extreme as the show) there are definitely characters that run around here all day who are pretty darn strange. But I really just love the awkwardness that is Steve Carell. And yes, I'm obsessed with the Jim/Pam relationship. They have played that out like an opera - a more endearing and not so annoying opera.

#8 Fringe - can I say x-files much? Except it a doesn't make my skin crawl as much. Which is actually a good thing because there are x-files episodes I remember watching as a kid and they still freak me out if I think about them too long. Fringe is x-files lite. It has mystery, a conspiracy thread-line and a little bit of sexual tension. But it also has Walter. And Walter makes me laugh.

#9 Life - Can I just say that Sarah Shahi is the best-looking detective in the history of cop shows? But, she's also believeable, which is why I keep watching. Oh, and that Charlie guy - he's believeable too. You wouldn't think that a show about a dude who is wrongfully put in prison, goes all Buddha-esque, gets out, wins a lot of money in a settlement case, and then goes back to work for the people who put him there would be very believeable. Just goes to show what good writing can do.

#10 Chuck - I loves me some Chuck! He's cute, has heart, funny, and is actually kind of a good spy! One of my favorite film genres is action/comedy and every episode seems to play out like a feature. But without all the lame side-stories or holes to fill.

Hmmm, just thinking - what is my next top 10 list going to be?!