A Master Manual of Morphs: A to Zoo-Zippera

My friend Paul Pointer is a very talented guy.

He sent me his book - A Master Manual of Morphs: A to Zoo-Zippera - and I can't tell you how brilliant he is without sounding like a super-fan. But I guess that's what I am, so that's alright with me.

You can check out more details and buy his book here:
http://paulpointer.art.officelive.com/masterofmorph.aspx

He's spent the last 10 years putting together this whimsical and creative piece of work - from Angellica-Pitella to Ladybug Luck to Snow Monarch and more - he mixes a unique and stunning world of literary prowess and artistic genius.

Each page tells a unique story in 6-frames, morphing objects to create an animal. He changes a mitten into a moose, a rake to a rooster and lava lamp to giraffe - all with a subtle pencil stroke and his imagination.

Please go to his site and buy 1 or 10 for your family and friends!

And here's a taste of one of my favorite bits from the book:

Zoo-Zippera

"These locking parts do not use glue.
Unbinding, unwinding, and not to chew.
Material gets caught.
But do not get distraught -
A zebra gallops, like at the zoo!

Vampire - Heyyyyyy..... No thank you.

Here's yet another perfect match that zoosk.com sent to me.

"Vampire." Yes, Vampire...

Let's see Vampy, is this the only picture you have of yourself? This looks like a still from Boys n the Hood, circa 1991. And I'm always confused when people don't crop out other "guest-stars" in pictures. Are you wanting to have a threesome or you just don't know how to size down the image? Are you trying to confuse/scare me? There's the saying "A picture says a thousand words." People - let's put our best foot forward when posting your profile pics. Let's see what little Ampire-Vay has to say in the profile:

Her Story - "i was born in la and i really like boys and i hope that i can find one that can meet my expectations.i wanna get married and live in cuba and have kid"

Hey Vam-P - hard to find those boys if you are in the women seeking women section. And you want to live in Cuba? Hmmm, I'd consider being bi-coastal, but Cuba isn't really the coast I was thinking about.

Her perfect match: "i look 4 good looks dont smoke dont have kids and i was one that has an education."

Sure about that education part, Vee-Pee?

Books - "Vampires"

Really, you like books on vampires? That's so surprising! I'm sure we have tons of stuff to talk about.

Seriously, this has got to be the worst dating site ever. Or quite possibly the best...

Slut - A Rose by Any Other Name...

Would still be a Slut.

I'm going to start posting these because over the months they have really given myself and my friends many, many laughs.

Zoosk.com - not sure where I found this dating site, but like most dating sites, it promised finding me my perfect match, going on many dates and really finding my soulmate.

So every few days I get my daily match sent to me. At first I opened the emails with hope. After the first few matches, I went back to my profile to make sure I hadn't filled out anything weird, checked a box I wasn't supposed to, etc. Nope, I was good. But I kept getting these random matches of people that were, quite frankly, less than appealing and not my type at all.

And now I'm putting these dating matches out for the public to see. This is one I received recently. I will try and add a new one every week or so.

Here's what I have to say about SLUT:
-She at least cuts to the chase
-I can pretty much guarantee that's not what she looks like
-Do people actually respond to this?
-I'm starting to give up all hope for normalcy in the online/lesbian community

Jean Diapers

The first time I saw this commercial, I thought it was a joke. I then had to replay it again. Then had to replay again for my roommate where we watched it a few more times. I think we were in shock for at least the first 10 viewings.

I mean, yes, it's cute and oh my, does that baby have some swagger?! But seriously? Baby jean diapers?

First, who is buying these for their little shit-maker?

Second, how expensive are they? I've never bought diapers before, but I always hear people complaining about how expensive they are.

Third, these diapers (at least what I can tell from the commercial) have a more genuine "real" quality to them than those dumb jean pajama's that were all over the inter-web and infomercials a few months back. So what's the waste (not poop/pee waste, but fabric/material waste) like for a box of these things?

Fourth, can't the designers and engineers working in this field focus their attention on making diapers that are leak proof, don't cause rashes and smell like roses or chocolate cookies when the kiddos take a poop?

Fifth, what's next - snakeskin, leopard fur, leather crotch-less? Where do we stop?

Lastly, Why don't we have adult jean diapers so adults can look just as cool and sophisticated when they poop/pee themselves?

Now, really lastly, that baby looks like an asshole...

Sometimes You have to be Your Own Cheerleader

I'm going to quote myself here, from my blog post from June 14, 2010.

"Rachel, you can do it. Keep pushing forward and you will make it to the top. All you need is drive, talent, smarts, and some sweat and will-power. You have all that so keep going and don't look back."

Wow... I really know how to be my own cheerleader! That is great! I want to keep re-reading this over and over again because I haven't been acting like I know this. I'm in procrastination mode. I'm in "stuck in a rut" mode. I'm in the - there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done so I'm not going to do anything mode.

Hmmmmm, I don't think that goes very well with the above quote. There's no passion in that. There's wasting talent. There's being dumb. There's no sweat and god, certainly no will-power. And then there's regret...

I can't be like that person anymore. No.

Sometimes, no one else can say the thing that you need to pull yourself out of a dark hole. Sometimes you really have to be your own cheerleader because no one is holding you back but yourself.

So... "Rachel, you can do it. Keep pushing forward and you will make it to the top. All you need is drive, talent, smarts, and some sweat and will-power. You have all that so keep going and don't look back."

Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.*

*as long as you don't keep saying it so you procrastinate even longer :)

Menstrual Cup - WTF

Have you ever heard of a menstrual cup?! If not, go here before reading more: divacup.com

Why have I never heard of this?

Why has my period never heard of it? For literally the hundreds of conversations I've had over the years with fellow women about their periods - accidents, what to use, cramps, pregnancy scares (never to me, but friends have worried), etc. - you would think that something as strange as this would have come up at some point. But no. It has not.

I have had my period for more than half my life...

Wait, well, actually, since we're counting - my period would be 21-22 years old... Ahhh, that's crazy! My period is old enough to go have a drink with me (it's currently a senior at the University of Mensus, and will receive her BS in Women's Studies, hahahaha)!

Anyway, I started my period in the 4th grade (the first of all my friends) so she and I have had a lot of time to get to know each other. And you'd think that after 20-ish years of getting to know it, I'd be able to read it better. But no. After all those years, I'm still surprised every now and again. Like a few cycles ago, it just didn't want to go away. It stuck around for 10 days, for no apparent reason at all. I guess it wanted to catch up on the Bachelorette. And I still have leakage issues at times (we all have our period panties and tricks to handle the overflow of Flo).

Sorry... I went off topic on the relationship between myself and my adult period... what I meant to write more about was the Menstrual Cup.

Ok - who uses this again? Why does it come in such pretty colors and bags? Do you know anyone who uses the cup?

One image that keeps popping into my head as I think the cup being inside of me - what if I was sitting funny at my desk one day, stood up to go use the restroom and it tilted a little funny, spilling the contents of the CUP out of my vagina and down my leg? Now that's an accident!

Have you ever walked around a busy bar or party with a full martini glass? Carefully tip-toeing around until you find a corner where no one can bump into you and you sit by yourself until it's at a safe/low/almost done level? That's how I would walk around with a mestration cup. I never sit down, constantly have my back to the walk, wouldn't make sudden movements, and definitely wouldn't hit the dance floor.

I'd probably rather crawl into a barrel filled of chicken fat (gross) than use this as my blood-cup.

Ugh, okay, I just grossed myself out. I can't write/think/ponder this any longer. To read more on the subject, visit my friend's blog:
www.humansarefunny.com/2011/07/im-a-beaver-beacon-a-large-one/

Snapple - Made From the Best Stuff on Earth (really?)

Okay, Snapple. I've listened to your commercials the last few days driving into work. And I have to say, you are one arrogant mother.

Really Snapple, you're "Made from the best stuff on Earth?" That's a bold statement. Especially since I don't really think the "Noni-Berry" is the best of all the berries, let alone, one of the top 100 "stuffs" on Earth.

Yeah, Snapple, the best stuff on Earth, can't be found on your ingredient list. Here's a very short list of some of my favorite things that Snapple has yet to bottle up (in no particular order):
-Puppies
-The smell of Fall
-Fresh snow
-Apple pie
-Fresh baked cookies (the cookie & while it's baking)
-Orgasms
-Christmas mornings
-A hug from an old friend
-Memories, nostalgia and time
-Sunsets
-Sunrises
-Anything with a mix of chocolate and peanut butter
-Unconditional love
-Life long friends
-New friends
-Empathy
-Vodka
-Wine
-Scotch
-S'mores
-campfires
-Laughing until you cry
-Laughing until your stomach hurts
-My 6 year old nephew's hugs
-Comfortable silences

Now what are some of your favorite things?